Goldman Sachs—you know, that big fancy bank with its tentacles in everything—just threw out their latest biz results, and boy, oh boy did they do some Olympic-level dancing around the word “tariff.” Not even a whisper of it. Nada. Zip.
Picture this: an hour-long gabfest with analysts and the big cheese, David M. Solomon, who tossed around a bouquet of buzzwords like “landscape changes” and “uncertainty” without even breaking a sweat. It was like watching someone do verbal gymnastics—flips, twists, the whole shebang—all to avoid saying the T-word. Then he dropped this zinger: On April 2 (not-so-coincidentally the same day Trump went all tariff-crazy) “some things happened”—like a vague weather report for the soul. But, wait, it gets better! He says stuff shifted even before that. No kidding, right?
Flashback to that day, Trump’s tariff storm sent stock markets into a nosedive, and everyone and their mom started biting their nails over what it meant for the global economy circus. But Goldman stayed mum like they had duct tape over their mouths whenever someone wanted to talk Trump and his shiny new tariffs.
Now, Goldman—king of the money mountain—is smack dab in the middle of the mess. You can almost see the sweat pouring off their sleek corporate facade as they try to not say anything too spicy about Mr. Trumpace. But they couldn’t dodge everything; Solomon tiptoed around the idea of recession with a word salad that basically means, “yep, we’re kinda nervous.” But on the flip side, he praised the idea of the U.S. beefing up its competitive game—gotta love walking that tightrope.
The Goldman crew isn’t stepping on any Trump toes, unlike their Wall Street buddies like JPM’s Jamie Dimon and BlackRock’s Larry Fink, who didn’t hold back throwing shade at the whirlwind of economic chaos stirred up by the tariffs. Those guys don’t mince words.
Wall Street was in earnings-palooza mode last week, airing their quarterly dirty laundry—a spectacle really cranked up the drama in the backdrop of a trade war on sim like a soap opera. You know, banks are like the tea leaves of the economy; read them right and maybe you’ll figure out this whole mess.
Goldman’s coziness with Washington—it’s kind of legendary. They used to get called “Government Sachs”—get it? So maybe there’s a reason they’re acting like they’re in a minefield. Even with the jitters, they pulled in some serious dough: $4.6 billion profit, 17 percent up from last year. Fancy-sounding numbers, huh? Stock prices even got a small bump, blending into the general happy dance the market did that day.
But hold up, things aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. Down 12 percent for the year. The recession boogeyman is looming, freaking out consumers and companies alike, slowing the banking conga line. At least their stock trading saw some fireworks before getting clipped by tariff mayhem. It’s like a financial rollercoaster, all thanks to Trump’s erratic tariff tango.
And Solomon—keeping that theater going—called their currency trading numbers “enormous.” Not too shocking when tariffs kicked the dollar off a cliff. Still, he kept slinging praises for the administration, even with the dollar’s backward diving act.
Amidst all this, a Goldman exec, masked in anonymity (spies among us!), briefed some reporters, side-eyeing any talk of the trade war. Their spokeswoman swooped in like a hawk, swatting away tariff inquiries. Can’t have anyone spilling those tea leaves just yet.
And that’s the Goldman gabfest, folks. A delivered masterclass in not-saying-out-loud-what’s-screaming-in-everyone’s-face. It’s either brilliant, bonkers, or a little bit of both.
